Attention Social Media Marketers:

A Social Media Monkey's Guide to Social Media Marketing.

Are you wanting to make millions? Then we can't help you! Want to be a bit less annoying? We're here for you.1

Please sign up for our e-newsletter by providing your email in the little box to the left, and we will keep you informed about any exciting offers!

A man standing proudly, in full bussines atire, his crotch blurred out and pixlated.

Reload for more exciting cartoons
or come back tomorrow for a new tip for marketers!

    follow me on Twitter

    There is one simple rule to Social Media Marketing that if accepted as truth and internalized will serve you well.

    And we're willing to share it!

    How much would you pay for this golden rule? Ten dollars? One hundred dollars? One thousand? A million? Don't answer yet! You will be amazed at how much we are charging for our guaranteed system.

    Before we reveal this unknown secret rule, previously known only to a select few highly profitable and successful marketers, we must warn you, this powerful rule, when applied correctly, will improve every aspect of your life! Your kids will love you, your spouse2 will think you're better in bed, your friends won't hate you anymore, and even your boss will wonder where the old you has gone!

    But let's get something straight first. The law requires us to be honest (we're mostly ethical regardless), so we have to disclose that we're not here to drive traffic to your site or even to help you learn how to sell. We're making the assumption you already possess the skills to get rich quick. You're here to take it to the next level and we're here to help!

    Are you ready for THE ONE RULE™?

    It's easy. It's simple. It's only four short words! The secret to a profitable successful life full of love and happiness is:

    Don't be a Dick!

    Unfortunately, too many marketers—and too many people in general—do not understand this rule. We can't help everyone (there are simply too many dicks out there to help them all), but with our scientifically proven course we will try to help you!

    Again, how much would you pay?

    Others charge as much as $97 for similar advice. We'd call these people "our competitors," but really there is no other product quite like ours!

    This is not a scam! This is not a Multi Level Marketing scheme!

    Other People's Systems:

    • Are more expensive!
    • Rely on numerous and confusing lessons!
    • Take too much time!
    • Are total scams intended to rip you off!
    • Only teach you to be a rip off scammer!

    We're not like this. We almost feel like we're making a friend when you buy our system. We almost feel like we're entering into a partnership with you. We almost feel like we have a vested interest in your success. Obviously we don't, but we can't help how we almost feel.

    Read what others are saying about "Attention Social Media Marketers: A Social Media Monkey's Guide to Social Media Marketing."

    @TheMime says the Social Media Monkey program is, "..."

    @jpostman says, "What is this crap? Someone has used my name in some kind of crazy spam blog!"

    @onthepot said, "That's da shit!" about "Attention Social Media Marketers: A Social Media Monkey's Guide to Social Media Marketing."

    @jackassletters says, "Don't ask me. I only fucking work here."

    @SMmonkey says, "What do you mean I have a website? Who did that? I don't remember signing a contract! I swear heads will roll!" http://www.socialmediamonkey.com

    By no means to we intend to imply that you will come up short of a million dollars with our proven One Rule™ revenue ready system.

    Bar chart that shows an unlikely increase.

    Once you have committed to a dickless system there is no limit to your potential income! One million, two million, two point two million! You can make as much money as you can convince people to give you. And by making the positive choice to no longer be one of the evil, unethical, totally soulless marketers, once you've chosen to no longer be a dick, you will convince more people to give you that cold hard cash!

    Graph that show 3 percent of marketers are ethical

    With our revolutionary system you can become one of the 3% of ethical marketers. You will stand out from the crowd! You will be an example to others and will help to reclaim the tarnished reputation of a whole industry. No more will people mock you, hate you, and wish you were dead! With hard work and major behavioral modifications you will become part of the marketing elite. No longer will you have to lie about your profession. Instead you will be able to proudly proclaim, "I am a social media marketer!"

    v ethical marketers at only 3% this is still a lot of marketers! The competition is tough! You need every advantage you can get. This is why we are comfortable saying if you apply our One Rule™ system you will already be on you way to success!

    But that's not all! Act now and on the successful enrollment in our course you will get a suitable for framing Social Media Marketing Expert diploma sent to you as a high resolution PDF! Amaze your friends, show your clients, have your mother put it on the refrigerator.

    Yes, that's right, you will be a truly certified Social Media Marketer! You will have something few of your colleagues will have: Proof of being an expert! Just for signing up on our mailing list you will automatically be sent your Social Media Expert diploma. After all, you've chosen a profession that will require a lifetime of learning, and requiring you to be dead before awarding a diploma is just plain nonsense! By taking this first step you are saying to the world that you care.

    The economy may be bad, but we see no reason why we should suffer. Monkey chow is not cheap and we can't afford to keep giving away our valuable marketing advice for free! Please buy a diploma, and help support us, this site, and our favorite charities. We will be happy to send you a physical copy! Each diploma is currently $12.57 only $10.06! A 20% off limited-time offer! (Price includes shipping and handling).

    Buy Now:

    Remember, by purchasing the Social Media Monkey diploma you are agreeing to abide by the Monkey's One Rule:

    Don't be a Dick!

    Please allow 6-8 weeks for your Social Media Expert diploma to arrive. Each diploma is custom printed using the highest caliber inkjet printer we can afford, on the best quality paper we can currently find, with calligraphy done by Nepalese peasants using only the most eco-friendly of pens.

    Bulk discounts are available. This is an economical and affordable way to insure that every member of your organization is a certified Social Media Expert! Get 10 Social Media Expert diplomas for just $96.73. That's $3.87 in savings! We'll even throw in an additional diploma. That's 11 diplomas for less than the cost of 10! $13.93 in valuable merchandise absolutely free! Contact us for details: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

    100% of all profits of socialmediamonkey.com will go toward charity (and by "charity" we mean our pockets). All proceeds from this site will go to the "Christopher L. Jorgensen and Anthony Imperioli Legal Defense Fund" or the "Anthony Imperioli and Christopher L. Jorgensen Booze Buying Foundation." The decision where to apply funds will be made entirely by the whim of the Social Media Monkey. Your support is greatly appreciated!

    We offer a 86% Satisfaction Guarantee!3 That's right. If for any reason you are not at least 86% happy with our services we will do our best to make things right.
    86%

    Act fast! Unless extended, offer expires: Mon, September 01, 2014 7:01 AM

    Credentials:

    Surprisingly, we have none. Because of this we decided to take two things we know nothing about and combine them! Let's be clear on this; we have no experience with marketing and we barely know anything about social media. But this hasn't stopped any internet gurus or experts, so why should we let it get in our way?

    We won't. We're not! We refuse to abide by the rules of the establishment. We're here to fight the man! And maybe, someday, make a buck or two doing it! We're for sure going to have fun.

    Privacy Policy:

    • You must be at least 13 years of age to make any use of socialmediamonkey.com or at least have the permission of one negligent parent.
    • We do no data mining whatsoever. If you so choose to join our mailing list you may receive a weekly e-newsletter. No promises!
    • We will never ask for your password because you won't get a password!
    • We offer no warranty. If this site breaks your browser reboot!
    • We may place a cookie on your machine to make sure your visit counts, to monitor exactly what exciting websites you've been to lately, and to otherwise insure you have no privacy, but everyone loves a cookie, right? Oh, fine then. We don't know why you need a cookie, but you're getting one. We promised to not do anything evil with it. As far as we know the need for this cookie has something to do with google's ads (don't ask us what). Take it or leave it. We don't care!

    While the creation of socialmediamonkey.com was not monitored by the American Humane Association (AHA) we still believe no animals were harmed during the creation of this website, with the possible exception of an American Water Spaniel, a Yorkshire Terrier, and a Tibetan Mastiff (we were hungry).

    socialmediamonkey.com is an internet marketing phenomenon and has been Search Engine Optimized to be the number one hit for search terms related to "Social Media Monkey!" We worked hard to make this SEO possible and will not be sharing this secret! So suck it SEO "experts."

    Advertise with the Social Media Monkey:

    Unlike many traditional websites with multiple pages, single serving sites are immensely popular, more trusted, and generate higher amounts of valuable traffic and income! Our site uses intensely focused proprietary demographic research to appeal to marketers and the whole internet! With our refined audience targeting your message will reach those you care about.

    Ad rates graphic

    We have a total of 12 ad slots available at any given time, so act fast before they are gone!

    Our rates are reasonable:

    We sell ad blocks by position on the page. They are priced as follows: Ad block 1 = $100, Ad block 2 = $75, Ad block 3 = $50, and Ad block 4 = $25. These are introductory rates and will eventually skyrocket!

    The way these blocks work are pretty simple. For each ad block there are four available slots. If you purchase one slot your ad will appear on the page 25% of the time for that slot. Two = 50%, and so on. Advertising in any particular slot will cascade to a lower slot once higher slots are purchased. For example, if you take all four $75 ads slots in position 2 your ad will remain in that position until a fifth ad is sold. At that time one of your ads will fall to position 3. If five position 1 ads are sold the oldest of these ads will fall to position 2, potentially pushing an ad from this block to position 3, etc.

    All ads will remain in the slot purchased for at least 30 days.

    Ads will not fall off the site until after 30 days, and only if forced off by new advertising.

    If your ad is the only ad for a set position it will display 75% of the time. The other 25% will consist of an "Advertise on this site" graphic.

    You may host the ad art on your site or we will do that for you. Ads are industry standard sizes. 160w X 600h for side column ads and 728w X 90h for the bottom banner ad. You must provide appropriate art for each block you wish your ad to appear in.

    Space permitting your add will also appear in our weekly newsletter!

    Contact .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) to place an ad or if you're confused by how all this works! Once placement is agreed on and art received, we will send you a PayPal invoice, or you may pay by check or money order. 10% discount for multiple ad blocks (must purchase identical positions for discount).

    Get in early, take advantage of The Long Tail!

    Coming Soon:4

    1. Exciting Polls for you to participate in
    2. Amazing videos
    3. A Glossary of Marketing Buzzwords
    4. The terrible, horrible, shameful, "Wall of Shame!"
    5. Additional edumational graphs
    6. More and more annoying advertising!
    7. A Guide to Sharing the Social Media Monkey
    8. List of current advertisers
    9. Friendly navigation

    Disclaimers:5, 6

    1. By "here for you" we acknowledge we have twitter accounts and can't really stop you from using the @reply even if we've blocked you. We also have email at: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) though there's no promise that we'll ever check it.
    2. Or gay lover.
    3. In the 14% chance we are unable to give you satisfaction you will understand this does not entitle you to a full or partial refund. That's just crazy talk!
    4. By "soon" we mean eventually, someday, if we get around to it and it still sounds like a good idea when we're sober.
    5. This entire site is parody/satire and should be read as such. We're not claiming it's funny, but should not be read by those lacking a sense of humor.
    6. WTF? You're still reading?

    Enter Email Address to Become a Monkey!


    Our Promise:

    1. We hate Spam more than anyone. Yes, even more than you!
    2. We will not sell our list of subscribers for anything less that $500,000!
    3. We will not send updates more often than once a week.
    4. You can unsubscribe at any time!
    5. You must be at least 13 years of age to sign up for our mailing list.

    Report Annoying Marketers or Give Comments:






    Newsletter
    Cartoon
    Monkey Tip
    One Rule™ system
    Testimonials
    Diploma
    Buy Now!
    Guarantee
    Credentials
    Privacy Policy
    Advertise
    Ad rates
    Coming Soon
    Disclaimers